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For those who don't know, my friend ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) riki_kiki_taco is getting married, and I'm a bridesmaid (payback, I'm sure, since she was my maid of honor) A month or so ago I ordered the bridesmaid's dress and it finally came in. I tried it on last week and nearly cried. You see, when they measured me I was exactly on for one size, but they always say to order a little bigger than what you measure, due to sizing weirdness. So I ordered the next size up. Well, when I tried it on it fit perfectly from the waist down, YAY! But I could have fit a whole other person into the gaping space at the bust. BOO! I swear to god, the dress was at least a good six inches past my bust and I'm not all that small, I wear a D cup! It was horrible! Bill jokes I could have padded my bra with a couple of basketballs and still had room, and he wasn't far off. In a panic I called Lillean's Alterations in Watertown and took it in. through shear luck I managed to get the same woman who made my wedding dress for me, this woman is magic with a sewing machine, so I began to feel a little better. (Although she did nearly laughed when I came out of the dressing room wearing the dress :( ) Anyways after pinning off a good two to four inches on each side, the dress began to actually look like a dress again. I go in next week with the strapless bra for fine tuning and then I can take it home! (By the way Momo, everybody in the shop while I was trying it on commented on how nice the dress looked (once it was pinned) and I do have to admit, it looks really awesome!, you are like, the best bride ever! Oh yeah, and Inga wants to know if you want us to use the straps that came with the dress or no? She says she can make it fit better with straps, but you are the bride.) Tags: bodywork, friends, looks
Current Mood:  amused
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I've started up my yoga practice again this winter, and hopefully with some careful time management can keep it up over the summer too. I really missed the energy and flexibility I had, and wanted it back. I still have a little trouble getting myself to start, but once I get going I just want to keep moving, I keep asking bill to show me more and more little routines so I don't have to stop. I love the energy I feel while I'm moving and I have tons left over afterwards, and I just feel more flexible. I've finally achieved one of my first yoga goals, I can do downward dog with both feet flat on the ground, it takes a few sun salutations to warm up but after that I can do it easily, just that achievement alone is awesome, but I can also touch my toes! I haven't been able to do that since high school, I feel giddy! That and my back doesn't hurt as badly after yoga, I usually go in with a fair amount of pain, but afterwards I can barely notice, this is a big plus when you suffer from chronic pain. Also afterwards I find it so much easier to settle myself and concentrate and relax, I have more energy, but it's focused, and I can direct it towards certain goals throughout the day, I'm not as scattered feeling, both mentally and energy wise. Overall I'm really glad I stated back up again, and also very, very glad that I have Bill to help motivate me and to teach me more when I need it. Tags: bodywork, yoga
Current Mood:  energetic
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I just realized I should probably start up my kegel(sp?) exercises again. I stopped when I got the surgery, and haven’t gotten back to them. Hmmm, that may also help with the pain in certain respects... Tra lala! In other new I slept in this morning, no class today because my teacher is out of town. I think I finally caught up with all the sleep I lost from staying up super late talking to oaksong. (not that I’m complaining... :: squish :: ;) Once I take my shower and pick up my room a little, I have to go run a bunch of errands that I never get around to while rushing to or from class and work. List of things that need to be done: Clean room Cash paycheck Put money in checking account Return 3 week overdue book to library Get on knees and beg them to forgive me Ask about donating large encyclopedia set Make fresh sourdough bread Put away sour starter Do homework Go to work early Weeee! I am so happy and bouncy right now I feel like I could FLY. Tee hee Tags: bodywork, bookworm, food, money, platypus
Current Mood:  content
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Yesterday was interesting, I went to the doctors for a checkup to make sure everything was healing right. And I had a little problem, my left side seemed swollen and a bit painful so I told to doc. he looked at it, felt around and decided that I had a bunch of fluid collecting that needed to be drained. How do they drain this fluid you ask? They stick a GIANT ASSED NEEDLE into my stomach and extract it that way. :: whimper :: so I lay down on the table and he (thankfully) numbs where he will but the HUGE needle in. then he inserts the needle and the nurse squeezes my side to squish the liquid out. Owies. And I may have to go back in a week to have it done again. Then I went to my only class on Mondays, Baking! Woo! That is going to be a fun class. And one of my Dad’s old HS classmates is in my class, weird. I can’t wait; we are going on a field trip to Alterie’s Bakery next Monday. Mmmm fresh baked bread :: drool :: ANYWAYS. Today was interesting as well. I found out that my Technical Writing prof. (Mrs. Miller) also had Dave as a student back when he went to JCC so she was all friendly and nice to me! Then the person I got partnered up with for the icebreaker exercise was from Croghan and had gone to school with Dave! Small World!! The icebreaker was interesting, in one part we had to tell something interesting or unusual about ourselves. Well it was all the usual interesting stuff. But at the end of the exercise the teacher announces that the most memorable interesting and unusual thing she had heard had in fact come from Dave! You see, apparently Dave can stand on his head and gargle pudding! :D :D :p hehehehe. Ok, I should really go back to work now… Toodlies! Tags: bodywork, friends, skool
Current Mood: amused
What's Playing?: Billy Joel -- The Ballad of Billy the Kid
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Is there such a thing as a fat anorexic? To bulimics have to puke? Or can they just binge and starve? I had a nice little pity fest last night. Stupid me stayed until midnight crying and talking about how pathetic I am. Sorry Lindsay. Can you be polyamrous and still be single? Does it matter? Can to be into BD/SM but not know anything about it (be part of the ‘scene’)? What good is being any kind of sexual if you have no way of meeting people interested in you? I’m still at work. I should be folding up the Tower Times. Btu there are over 200 of them, all 5 pages each. I’m getting a blister on the thumb I use to make the crease. I could stay here all night doing this, and get paid for it. How tedious. They used to have an ‘assembly/folding’ party when my Gram was secretary, but I actually want to get this out on time. I need to start bringing different music to work. My grandma is gone so I can finally turn my music up. I want my Queen “A Kind of Magic” CD, but cant find it. Will I go to hell if I listen to NIN in a church? (Does it even matter considering that I’m the church secretary and I’m Pagan?) I just made myself a whole pot of strong coffee. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I don’t think I can close my eyes… Bzz bzz bzz… Why do telemarketers call churches and then wonder why nobody is in on a weekday? Ok, that’s it, back to work. Nothing to see here, move along. Tags: bodywork, friends, looks, poly, random, sex, spirituality, work
Current Mood:  blank
What's Playing?: NIN - Heresy
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i want this sweater: from Interweave Knits Winter 2003 "Moorish Patterned Pullover" anyways.... work was work, as usual. But hten I went to the doctors to get my other drain out! Yay! I am drain free, I feel so FREE!!!!! Weeee! He also looked at my belly button and said it was healing nicely if VERY slowely. Also he noticed two litte inernal desolving stitches that had poked themselves to the outside and hadny melted away, so he snipped themout, but in the process made it BLEEEEED. So he stuck some silve nitrateon it, so now its stings like a BITCH! The nurs looked at a few pokey bits I had along my scar and said that they were the desolvign stitches also, and said if I felt any I could have mom take them out becasu they had been in more than long enough. So now I am drain free, and the doc gave me the go ahead to start going to the Y and walkign on the tredmills and swimming (once the hole left by the drain closes up a bit) I am SOO happy! I gain 2 lbs since the last tiem I was weighed so I wanna get out and start workign on gettign down to my desired weight (160). I'm sick of beign stuck in the 220's Yippeee! Ok, I'm off to be happy! :D Tags: bodywork, knitting
Current Mood:  chipper
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Now that I have the stomach for one, I've been thinking. I need a corset. A nice leather one. Maybe one in pleather too. Long laces to tie it up. Something that lifts and separates the girls. (with or without cups ;) but then I'll need something to go with it... like a nice short leather skirt. Cat collar.... mmmmmmmmmmm Tags: bodywork, looks
Current Mood:  contemplative
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Went to the office to scope the place out. It was a MESS. They were very unorganized, files everywhere and random stuff that obviously didn't belong in the office were strewn about the shelves. I nearly cried when I got to the computer. Slooow dial up connection, the desktop was a mess (I'm kinda obsessive about messy computer desktops and file placement) and there were programs w/o CDs. The old secretary apparently took a lot of work home and did it there because she was too lazy to get the Word CD out and install the features needed to do them. And also had a tendency to randomly put files wherever she felt. *sigh the pastor at larger should be there tomorrow and I can get some info from him to work on the bulletin (that should only take an hour or so with all the info I need.) and John will be there so I can talk to him about the books (there really weird, first time I have seen the total listed first in a ledger and with side numbers between it and the numbers being totaled) Also, luckily I have a program here at home that I can't use but would work beautifully for putting together the addresses for the mailing lists and Tower Times. (The old secretary took it home and used her own special program. Guess she though she was going to work there forever and nobody else would ever need to do it too....) Its going to be weird tomorrow, I wore my only pair of fitting pants (my others are tow tight with the swelling yet, but that should go down in about a month or so) so I have to wear a skirt and the only one I have that's good enough for all this cold is my black gothy skirt... so the cute little pagan Goth church secretary gets to meet the Baptist minister she has to work with. Meow My belly button hurts, The doc gave me Silver sulfadiazine to put in it to help it heal and prevent any fungus that may be wanting to grow in its warm moist breeding ground. Unfortunately it burns and itches like crazy now, and is making it look all gross and gooey, and I think I may be making the previous yucky parts peel. My belly button also started bleeding again a little, but I don't know it was caused by my overzealous cleaning, or the ointment. Well I need sleep; have to get up in the morning to go back to the office again. Blech. toodlies Tags: banal, bodywork, health, looks, outside, owies, rant, spirituality, work
Current Mood:  tired
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Arg! My parents went out and bought a weight watchers cook book today for me. And then got all angry when I got mad about it. First off it's a normal cook book, which means a good portion (over half) is NOT going to be vegetarian friendly. And second they got it because it has info about the 'points' system and they though it would be good for me to use it for my diet. ARG! I FUCKING HATE DIETS! I can regulate the way I eat and eat healthily on my own thankyouverymuch. I don't need some stupid 'points' system to eat 'right' I mean come on I was loosing weight steadily before the surgery, and that has gone up even more since the surgery. But they still think I'm a kid and don't know how to eat! My mom frigging 'gave me permission' to have a cup of yogurt for a snack the other night when I made a comment that I was a bit hungry. (I wasn't planning on eating anything, just making a comment) I'm going crazy here! And my dad had the idiocy to say "if you knew how to eat right you wouldn't have gotten so fat in the first place!" WHAT!?! Jesus dad, you yourself said people can change; most of my fat was gained when I was a kid, when I used food as a comfort thing, when I DIDN'T know how to eat properly. But now I know, I have learned to eat right, or I wouldn't have been loosing weight! *sigh They piss me off so much. They treat me like a kid and then get bitchy and can't understand why I get so mad. Then the say shit like 'stop acting like a kid and we'd stop treating you like one.' Like hell, I have been acting like an adult since I move out to go to school, but how can I act like an adult when you talk down to me all the time and treat me like a child, hell yeah I'm going to get angry and getting angry over it is being childish? *sigh I soo want to get out of here, but I cant even get a real job (the one at the church is barely part time) until I am fully recovered from the surgery. :: sob :: Tags: bodywork, family, food, health, rant
Current Mood:  pissed off
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New Year's resolutions: 1) I WILL NOT begin any more knitting projects until I finish at least two of the projects already on the needles. This includes buying yarn. 2) I will still do the knitting challenge I posted about earlier, despite the recent goings on between me and the receiving party. 3) I will exercise and actually stick to it. 4) I will eat healthier than I have been. 5) As per 3 & 4 I will reach 200 lbs by my birthday (March 29) and be at least 160 (or lower) by the end of June, if not earlier. 6) I will have a job. 7) I will save money, but also make a better effort to actually spend time with my friends in Oswego and other places outside of Watertown. 8) I will read more. There are more I will probably think of later. But really I don't have to (and shouldn't) wait until the new year to make resolutions to better myself. So just because they aren't listed here doesn't mean I won't/can't hold to them. Tags: bodywork, bookworm, holidays, knitting, money, work
Current Mood:  optimistic
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I want popcorn. I just hand dyed a hank of wool yarn, came out looking cool. The kitchen now smells of wet sheep and kool aid When it dries I'm gonna take pics. I'm running out of things to knit (Actually I have a bunch of things to still knit, I'm just getting lazy and don't want to actually START a project, so I'm 'stuck' with what is just on my needles right now.) My scar looks really small, hardly noticeable at parts if it weren't for the stitches. Dr. Litznerski is a genius. I can't wait until the three months are p and I can exercise and stuff. Actually I can't wait until the damned Drains are out so I can wear PANTS! I'm getting sick of skirts. Ok, enough of that, I'm gonna go make some popcorn now, Toodlies! Tags: artsycraftsy, bodywork, knitting
Current Mood:  blah
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We had our usual Christmas Eve snack tonight; I warmed up some brie and cut up apples and other cheese and mom cut up croghan bologna for everybody else and more cheeses. We sat around to kitchen table talking and eating it was fun, and dad 'taught' the kitten a new trick. He now pats you on the arm if he wants something you are eating. And if you line food up along the table edge he'll pull it down one piece by one to eat, so cute! After that we went into the living room and watched Young Frankenstein and I finished knitting a dishcloth for my Aunt Mary, I'm giving a bunch of them to her tomorrow. She's been hording all her old worn out ones since she found out my great cousin Margie can't knit them any more. I still have to finish Knitting my Grandma Homan's other slipper, but I can do that tomorrow because we won't be able to visit them until later on in the week. (We are having people over all day tomorrow, and grandma and grandpa will be spending Christmas with one of mom's other siblings.) I still have to finish knitting Lindsay's scarf and Mel's present but I have until next semester begins because Monica will have to play Santa for me too and deliver them. Earlier today I cut up all the veggies I need for the casserole/stew that I am making for tomorrow's dinner so I can eat. There were a lot of veggies and stuff in it so that was the biggest part. Cooking shouldn't take too long and grandma dug out a special pot for me to use for it so I can cook it properly. Cool! This will be my first time cooking a real meal since the surgery, it feels good. I miss cooking its so therapeutic. Well gotta go wrap my aunt's dishcloths. Night, night all! :) Tags: bodywork, family, food, friends, holidays, knitting
Current Mood: cheerful
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Went to the doctors again today, thought I would be getting my stitches and drains out. But no The stitches just aren't ready, and apparently we weren't tracking the drain out put correctly, so we really don't know if they are ready or not. So now we have to watch them very carefully and maybe next Wednesday I can get them out. The doc said I could take a shower every day now if I wanted. In fact its encouraged, especially with everything uncovered (before I have had to have the drains covered with a plastic bandage). She also said I need to start sleeping with the incision uncovered, especially my belly button because they aren't getting enough fresh air. In other news... I tried on the shirt Monica got me for Yule. It ROCKS! It's an "xl" not a "3xl" or even "2xl" it's an "XL"!!!And it looks GOOD! Only problem I'm having is it's a little too tight over the breasts for my taste. But once my weight starts evening out and I start really exercising, my chest will probably shrink a little. So it's all cool. :D:D:D:D I just realized I really need to clean my room. Oh yeah and I haven't wrapped any presents for people yet. Woops. :-\ Tags: bodywork
Current Mood: chipper
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Ok damnit. I have so much gas I can power this whole damned house! For like the first 2 days I was home it was all gas and no shit, and it was sooo annoying. But the worst was in the hospital, I had gas and heartburn and bloating so bad, but nothing would come out so it just kept building so painful I couldn't sleep. Finally I'm starting to shit again (I never thought I would be so glad to shit in my life) but I still have tons of gas! (the doc's say the gas is because when they were messing around in my stomach they created pockets and upsets in my GI tract and they are all rearranging themselves and working it out) and since my stomach topography has changed suddenly I'm still getting used to what pressure or bilp means what. So sometimes I feel like I gotta shit and its just gas, and once I though I just had to fart, and I was damned lucky I was already on the toilet because it was a veritable downward fountain of shit. I'm averaging about 10 - 12 Tums a day because of this, and the doc won't let me have anything else because of all the other med's I'm on. Well I gotta go to bed and take my pain meds. Oh yeah, apparently I'm on the same med's that Rush Limbaugh got hooked on. Sad thing is I really don't notice any big relief of pain when I take them, unless of course I'm lying down and relaxing. But I take them anyways because otherwise mom bitches at me. So I guess in a way the do relieve my pain.... Tags: bodywork, health, owies, rant
Current Mood:  annoyed
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Dave said he wanted me to post more often about my recovery, I warned him, it's pretty boring. Most of my day consists of me lying in bed either sleeping or reading or knitting. Sometimes I sit up and walk around upstairs and get on the computer (you'd be amazed how tiring typing is) recently mom's been letting me come downstairs, this is a big thing, because believe it or not, its hard work going down stairs, specially because I get vertigo so easily because of being weak and on happy drugs most of the time. My hair is really gross and I feel very scummy because they won't let me take a shower until after my drains are out, (not until Thursday) and I sweat a lot because get frequent hot flashes because of the medication. It's really annoying because I can't bend into the positions you need to wash your hair in the sink, so I'm stuck with it. At least I can have sponge bathes, but even those really don't do an adequate job. The weirdest thing about my recovery that I didn't anticipate was the pain. Not the pain of my stitches and the incision, but normal stomach cramps and such. Because a lot of my stomach that I was used to is now gone all those pains and sensations have 'moved' and I have to figure out what each of them means again. Like if I had to pee I felt the pressure kind of on the underside of my bottom roll above my vagina a little, but now I have no underside let alone a bottom roll, so now it's more like, above my vagina and under the stitches. And the same for gas cramps and if I have to poop. It's really odd because it takes me a second now to identify the pain because it had moved to a new place in my stomach. Not a big move but its still rather disorientating. I weighed myself this morning, I now am 218 lbs. I haven't weighed that little since before high school. Its really odd and quite a liberating feeling. I can't wit to get out there and exercise and get even more weight off. The doctors say my ideal weight is 130 but that is a little unrealistic to me, I would be a stick, so I'm aiming for 160 which my mom agrees is much better, and anyways I'm hoping for most of that to be muscle mass which is heavier that fat. It's kind of sad but this operation really has changed my outlook on life. Before I was just so fat that I always though that diet and exercise were hopeless because I never lost that much when I tried. But now goals are much closer and with all the skin and weight gone that would never have gone away before the exercise will be easier and results will be a lot more visible. (that and I'm already down a dress size or two, and that ALWAYS helps with the self esteem) For the record, the week before the operation I weighed 240 lbs. I also was on a liquid diet for about a week so that accounts for a lot of weight loss too. Dinner time, toodlies all! Tags: bodywork, health
Current Mood: cheerful
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Ok, this is my allotted 15 min of computer time (allotted by me, sitting and typing is damned tiring) As the nurse changing my bandages said, he's never had to help the assistant of a failed magician before (as in it looks like somebody tried to saw me in half.) the stitches go from about 1/3 way round my back on one side, all the way around to 1/3 of the way around on the other. I'm recovering relatively well; I have these two tubes with bulbs attached to them hanging out of my sides until about Thursday to collect any of the fluids I may be producing because they created a lot of empty space with the surgery. The doctor said they remove about 10 lbs of skin. That's SKIN people; they actually didn't have to remove any fat because there wasn't much there to remove. it was all just hanging skin, and THAT was why the damned stuff never went away with exercise. I go in to see the doctor on Thursday to get the drains removed, and if I'm healing well enough, the front half of my stitches. Then next week the rest can come out. Once all the stitches are out I can stop being treated like I'm made out of glass (the sad thing is that right now I feel like it, I get dizzy a lot and tired way easy) and can get back to normal stuff. Even though I'm home don't expect a lot of correspondence from me, its tiring to sit for long periods and well, I'm just generally tired and WICKED sore. Ok, I'm off to check my mail. Catch ya'll later. Tags: bodywork
Current Mood:  sore
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:: whimper :: this is going to be a baaad week. It all started today. In the immortal words of Garfield "I HATE MONDAYS!!!!!" First I went to talk to my professors about moving my finals around so I can take them because I will be in and recovering from surgery during finals week. Pope wants me to come in this Friday after my long day of classes all day in the kitchen and take my final for him then. (the last day of classes is the next Monday, but I'll have to do without it.) Then Tony wants me to come in Monday (which is a Friday schedule) after my long day of classes and in the kitchen to take my culinary final which he I'll be changing around because I won't be able to cook for him like he wanted. And to give me my wine tasting final as a take home. I'll have to wait until next semester to take my sanitation and safety final 'cus you can only take it at certain times. And I'm going to have to pay an extra $15 to take it, because the cost is included in the price of the class, but it won't carry over for me. Then after all that stress I came home and called mom to tell her. At which time she informs me that my pre admission testing and briefing for my surgery was scheduled for Friday right smack in the middle of class. Which I couldn't skip because I hade to take my test afterwards too. So she called around nd rescheduled everything. Unfortunately the only time she could reschedule for was TODAY at 1. Sooo I ran over to the hospital and went through all of that. It too HOURS, they poked and prodded me and took blood and made me bleed to time my clotting, and they talked to me about what I needed to eat and my health history and the type of anesthesia I would be under and medications and the whole nine yards. Then I went in to talk to my doctor who would be performing the procedure, and he has this really thick accent and I could hardly understand him but he talked about the incisions (it will look like a very short T with the top part going from hip to hip, yep, I'm gonna be gutted, I'm surprised they won't be hanging my upside down or something... yeesh) and several times during all this crap I broke down crying. I'm so nervous about all of this, I'm scared. I mean they are going to be cutting me open for crissake! And I'm going to be stuck in bed for two weeks. *sigh I'm so nervous and worried about all of this. After all the hospital stuff was done I headed back to my car to come home and take a nap till class. One problem. My car was dead, wouldn't start. All the lights would come on and it would ding and the belt would move, but it wouldn't start. So mom called AAA and it took them and HOUR to get over and look at it. Turns out my gear shifter thingy is going and my car will only start if it is in neutral. But they suggested I not drive it because it would just wear it out even more. So I got it home and had to wait for mom to come home with the van so I could drive THAT to class and prepare for my final presentation in marketing with the rest of my group. Bah By the end of the presentation (which went pretty well) I was so tired from everything today, and my eyes were so blurry from exhaustion and crying so much that I was wobbling and could barely see. My professor said I could leave early and gave me the final (a take home). Mom had come with me because it's my first time really driving the van since I got my license, so she drove me home and I came right upstairs and changed into my glasses and wrote this. Now I think I'm going to go take a loooong hot bath and go to bed. Tags: banal, bodywork, family, skool, stress
Current Mood:  crappy
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My dad really pisses me off sometimes. The date for my surgery has been set, without consulting me of course. For the10th of December, finals START on the 10th. Classes end on the 8th, there is no way I can have my finals earlier. Yet I have no choice, 'cus apparently the only other day I can have it done (and this is w/ 3 mo. Notice.) is on the 3rd. and I can't wait until next summer because by then I won't be on my dad's insurance any more. I can't handle that kind of pressure, I mean Hell I'm not even sure if I even want to go through with the surgery yet. And what happens when I tell dad this? He rips into me, yelling at me because why am I worrying about finals when I don't even plan on studying? Why he thinks I'm not planning on studying or applying myself I don't know. Gods forbid my parents actually think positively of me for once. Just because I fucked up my life preciously apparently I'm not allowed to put forth any kind of effort now. What kind of evidence does he show that I won't be studying or applying myself? My previous track record my lack of job so far (there is NO job market, I HAVE tried, but he doesn't believe that either) the fact that my room is a little messy, I sleep in a lot, I spend so much time on the computer (how else does he expect me to say in touch with my friends why I don't have money for gas?) and that I leave the lights on in my bedroom a lot (I go back and forth from computer room to bedroom when I read, and I admit I forget to turn off the light sometimes) Because of all this he KNOWS I won't be studying so why should I be worrying about finals and the surgery? I'm just so fucking sick of it! I try to fucking turn my life around and get out of this fucking house so I get away form their constant complaining and bitching and they just try to hold me down! My dad's main argument? MY ROOM IS MESSY! Because gods forbid it looks like I live in here! Just because I don't snap to attention and clean the house as soon as a speck of fucking dirt falls I am irresponsible and proves that I wont be putting forth and effort at school. Event though my room has been messy before and I've picked it up eventually, doesn't matter, because apparently those times don't exist to him. I hate it, I want to get out now, I don't think I can wait the year and a half till I get my degree, this is driving me CRAZY! They have to constantly belittle me whenever I try to better myself, and then they wonder why I don't get anywhere. Dave always wondered why I have such low self esteem and why I can't handle being made fun of, there you go. If you'll excuse me I'll just go and cry now. I hate this. I hate myself. Tags: bodywork, family, rant, skool, stress
Current Mood:  crushed
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Its late, 2:00am. I couldn't sleep; I know I should be sleeping because I have to get up early in the morning. But I can't, so I write. Truthfully I don't fear many things. One of the biggest fears I have is of pain, physical pain. (I do not fear emotional pain, although I would prefer to avoid it at all costs, I know that emotional pain can make you stronger, a better person through learning.) Not the 'Ow! I stubbed my toe' type of pain, or the 'mosquito bite itching' pain, or even the 'deep sciatic nerve inflammation' kind of pain although it's close. The kind of pain I fear is the type of pain that makes you cry uncontrollably, thy type of pain that leaves you paralyzed or makes you shake, unable to stop, screaming at the top of your lungs. That's why I am afraid to get my surgery. I'm not afraid that I may die, I'm not afraid that by some far fetched fluke I will become permanently disfigured, or physically disabled. (Although once again I would prefer to avoid them at all costs.) I am afraid that I may become mentally disabled, but that is for another post on another sleepless night. My biggest fear is that I will wake up in the middle to the horrible pain and be unable to stop it. Or that afterwards, after the drugs wear off it will hurt so much it will make me cry. I'm afraid that I won't ever be able to move because of the pain. Pain scares me, it is the main reason that I avoid things, because I am afraid something will happen to cause me great pain, so much pain that I cannot move, or be touched. Unknown pain scares me the most, I was scared to death to get my ears pierced at first because of the pain, but now I have 4 holes in each ear, two in the cartilage. When I first go blood drawn for tests I cried. Now I can get it done, and am fascinated by the way the blood squirts into the vials. (I'm still afraid to give blood, but someday I'm sure it will be a regular occurrence.) Having Novocain injected for the first time, scared the crap out of me, and it hurt like a mother fucker too, I didn't cry, but I think I dislocated the nurse's thumb from squeezing her hand so tight. And if I have to have it injected again, I'm going to be a little scared, but at least I know what to expect, and I know it goes away quickly. I'm afraid of breaking a limb, because I don't know that kind of pain. (I am not too eager to learn ether.) I am afraid of giving birth (I know it is a far way off.) because I do not know how long, or how much pain there will be, or when it goes away. I'm afraid of getting shot (as if I'd ever be in a situation for that to happen.) because it seems so painful, and it can get infected and be even worse. Again, that is why I am afraid to get my surgery; I don't know what the pain will be like, or how long it will last. Knowing gives you a type of perspective, you can say to yourself, 'I've felt this before, it hurts like hell, but in a few day it will be better, because I know this pain, have experienced it before, I know how it behaves.' After getting the surgery and recovering fully, I will feel better, because I will know the pain, know what to expect and how it behaves. It won't make me want to do it again, but at lest if for some god awful reason I do, I will know and not be so scared. I don't like doctors lying to you about pain, if it's going to hurt like a mother fucker, tell me damnit! Then I can understand it a little, and prepare myself mentally. If I think it's just going to be a pin prick I won't be prepared, I'll scream, cry, thrash about, or accidentally break your nurse's hand. I hope that when I get my surgery they will anesthetize me so much I won't be aware. I don't want to be awake, it scares me too much. It scares me that it may not deaden the pain enough. Or that I will feel everything but not be able to do anything about it, and the doctor won't believe me when I scream. I hope when I get my surgery that they give me plenty of drugs afterwards so I won't have to feel the pain. I want to recover quickly and I can't recover if I can't move because of the pain. I am usually very anti drugs, even pain medicine like Tylenol. My mother says it's like pulling teeth to get me to take it. But if drugs can stop the pain that I am so afraid of, I will take them so I can recover and not need the drugs any more. Its late, 2:30, I can sleep now that I've written my thoughts down. I need sleep, I'm tired. I'm sure in the morning I with think of other things I wanted to write, but I'll live. Good night. Tags: bodywork, introspection
Current Mood: sleepy
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Yar, went to the doctor, (OMG he was hot! The nurse was like, have you ever seen this doctor before, and I was like, I don't know, I could have and just not remembered, and she was like, oh, you'd remember. Growl, ;) So now I need blood work as part of my routine checkup, but I also need x-rays of my back 'cus I'm messed up and it will help with trying to get that surgery. So he did the usual checkup thing no problem, till he checked my back. Whoo yeah, that hurt. I have chronic lower back pain and lumbar problems, and my sciatic nerve on the right side is inflamed. Weee! :: cries :: How much do you think just to get myself a whole new body? Blah. Tags: banal, bodywork, health
Current Mood:  pessimistic
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Went swimming with Monica tonight Wee! We had fun, even though I had the wrong schedule so we were there like, an hour early. My back did feel a little better afterwards, and I got some exercise! woot! :D Definitely have to start doing this more often. I was pooped afterwards though, but that's a good thing too 'cus I have to go to bed early, have a 9:00 doctors appt in the morning. eek! I'm getting a full physical, and the doctor has to refer me to the guy who will be doing my surgery (even though I've already been to se him, insurance is fucked up like that.) It's a good thing I'm getting the physical, I haven't had one in a while, and I wont be on my dad's insurance for much longer (my mom's has already dropped me) although getting physicals are always depressing for me, yeah I know I'm unfit and fat, thanks. Tags: banal, bodywork, friends
Current Mood: tired
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I cleaned around the house today Yay! :p I mopped the upstairs, cleaned almost all of the computer room, put some books back, picked up my bedroom a little and putzed around doing little cleaning like things downstairs. My parents are taking a week off in about a week or two; during that time hopefully we will be able to fix two of my dresser drawers that I haven't been able to use. Once those are back where they belong, I will be able to put my clothes away that have been sitting in their suitcase on my bedroom floor and generally getting in the way. I think my dad put it best "why the hell would you wait until today to do all that work? I was sweating my balls off today!" Despite the heat I feel quite accomplished considering through all of it I was limping like crazy. My leg has decided to revolt, it started yesterday with my right ankle and them moved to my right knee as well today. I'm expecting my left ankle to join them tomorrow; it would be just my luck. Dave came over to visit for lunch today; it was nice visiting with him. Although I worry about his job, it doesn't sound all that great, and it looks like they are already trying to cheat him. But I'm confident that he will be able to handle himself, he's a big boy. I haven't been hanging out with Monica as much lately, she finally got a job, lucky bugger. I'm glad, but I wish I had a job; a little income would be nice. Dad told me today that if I can get myself a job, he's going to look into getting me a credit card so I can start building up some good credit. Good credit would be nice, but I worry about the temptations that a credit card will present me with. My parents are going to take me to Old Forge while they are on vacation, that will be nice, despite how much I complain I love them, and it will be nice to spend the day with them wandering around the quaint little town. Maybe pick up some little souvenirs at one of the shops, have a picnic by the water. It will defiantly be nice, and my parents need to relax and have a nice time themselves. I can't wait. :) Mom told me that while she's home on vacation she will try to get their computer fixed (the CD burner has died, and I have a lot of info I want to get off it for when I bring home my computer.) Also while mother is home we are going to get the upstairs storage room over at grandmother's cleaned out and organized so we can get my things from school out of storage. It will nice to have my computer back (we are going to bring it upstairs, and take my parent's computer downstairs, and get another Road Runner line for it.) I won't be able to go back to Oswego next semester. I have decided that I will go through with the surgery that my mother has been pushing. And when I have it done I won't be able to stay in a sitting position or do much heavy physical activity for at least three months. The decision to have the surgery wasn't purely vanity (truthfully I have no problem with how I look right now) it has to do with health. Since I became vegetarian I have become much healthier, but unfortunately after talking to a few doctors I have come to the realization that the fat in my stomach will never go way unless I have it cut off. I have gone up and down by at least 30 lbs. several times, yet the size of my stomach has never changed. If I don't care about the vanity then why am I having the surgery? Because the weight is affecting my health, it gives me terrible back aches, it's the reason why my legs are revolting on me and no mater how healthy I eat, it increases my chances of heart disease and respiratory problems. So that's it people, it's true, I'm going under the knife. Don't worry as soon as I'm able I will down in Oswego visiting everybody as much as possible! Since I can't go to Oswego, but I want to be able to keep up my 'school going momentum' I will probably take an online class, and then classes at JCC when I'm well enough. Weee! Well, that's definitely enough writing for tonight. Night all. :) Tags: bodywork, family, friends, future, health, weather
Current Mood: content
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Today is my last full day here, I go home tomorrow. So may things to think about, to do. I don’t know where to begin. I haven’t even really started packing yet, im such a bad girl. I don’t know if I will be returning or not (well I will be coming back to finish no mater what, but I don’t know if I will be coming back directly next semester.) I’m just getting tired of all the bullshit classes that aren’t getting me anywhere. My mom is making an appointment with a plastic surgeon for when I go back, she really, really wants me to get liposuction, and I’m getting to damned tired of listening to her to put up a fight anymore. I’m not quite sure how im gong to tell my parents that im thinking about becoming vegetarian, it jut seem so much healthier to me, and well, red meat makes me sick to eat it anyways. But my parents are such carnivores; I don’t know how they will handle it. It’s not like they have to be vegetarians too. Oh well, we’ll see have that works out when I get to it. What else? Yeah... somebody is mowing the lawn outside, I can smell the cutgrass coming in the window, its heavenly, whenever I smell cut grass for the first time that year, I always get so nostalgic. I remember back in grade school, the first day they cut grass is the first day the let you go out for recess, kickball outside in the huge, freshly mown fields behind Wiley School kids flying paper airplanes, rolling down the hill, getting grass stains all over, but who cares? Or in Jr. High when you cant keep yourself from staring out the window, and the smells just pull you farther away from the boring classes, you know soon that you’ll be out of class for the day, and soon for the year, and you can do whatever you want, swimming in the pool at he park, walking around the neighborhood, hiking through the park, the world is huge and limitless, and its summer time, anything can happen. Then High school, the grass is being cut, but the teacher wont open the windows because they don’t want you distracted, the room is hot and stuffy but you’ll be out soon, but that brings its own worries, work, homework, studying. And the year is almost over summer work, not enough time for so many family trips, and your friends aren’t nearly as close as they were back then. One more year down, one more year closer to college, if your going to college, almost envy the kids going to BOCES, they don’t have to go to school anymore when they graduate (that is if they graduate, and don’t think about the jobs they’re going into, you wouldn’t survive, but your still a kid, you don’t think of these things.) Last summer before college, you’re nervous, working almost day and night to get money, no time, all your friends are gone anyways so why does it matter? Scared to death of moving away from home. Then your in college, the grass is being mown, you’ve already been through one semester, but you’re a freshman it was nothing, thing are getting harder, but your more experienced now. Senior, now you really are going into the real world, no summer breaks for you now, the fresh cut lawn is still there calling to you, but you cant listen, you have to study, two huge final papers, and tests every time you turn round, you have to graduate get out of here, get a well paying job with benefits, your to old to stay on your parents insurance, what are you going to do for a job? The job market is so stagnant... All this from a simple mown lawn. *sigh I don’t wanna grow up anymore... can we go back to Wiley and play kickball? I can show you how to make this really cool paper airplane, it does loop de loops! I know we can go to the park, I found this great new trail; we can pretend were exploring a band new world. Just don’t make me go back, I want to stay out here forever. Tags: bodywork, family, food, friends, future, health, looks, memories, skool, veg head, weather
Current Mood:  drained
What's Playing?: lawn mower outside
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After playing Nightpawn with Brandon I’ve really begun to like the flexibility and settings of Palladium, and then I found out that they had a TMNT system too, so I had to go out and get a copy for myself, and a few more Palladium supplements. And now I’m planning much evil-ness for my players, Ok maybe not that evil, but I definably am having fun planning everything, and I love playing with these guys anyways. It’s gonna be totally fun. In other news, I am an incredibly boring person. Blah. Not much else going on, tomorrow is quest day, yay no classes! Brandon, nokomis1339 and I are planning a fun filled night of movies mayhem and all ‘round great times, ‘cus we don’t have to worry about getting up early in the morning. I went out yesterday to get more soda for the room, and also picked up some honey for my Chai tea. So now I have this giant honey bear sitting on my desk staring at me... its kind of creepy, he looks so yummy... yet disturbing all at the same time. The lady who checked me out must have thought I was really weird, but then again, it is a college town. See I bought 6 cases of the cheap soda, a bear full of honey, and these cushiony pad things for women’s shoes. (See I have these great high heeled shoes, but there is absolutely no cushion or support to them, and if I wear them for too long my feet really start to hurt and I get blisters on my big toes. But I really like wearing them. (yeah, yeah TMI :p)) and that was it, then I had to buy everything separately because I was paying from three different sources, 5 cases of soda from the soda money, one for riki_kiki_taco, and the honey and cushions for me. See? Now isn’t that boring? Yep, I knew it. No wonder nobody ever comments in my journal... Blah I feel so un-loved :p Tags: bodywork, food, friends, money
Current Mood:  dorky
What's Playing?: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Love Roller Coaster
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:: poing ! .................................poing! ...............poing! .................................................................poing .....................................poing! ......................poing! ........poing! ...............................................poing! ..............................................................................poing!! ........................poing! ..........................................poing! ............................................................poing! poing! :: hehehe :) Moinca and i did some more bellydancing today! WOW! we got thrugh a whole hour! and nither of us died! I'm so excited, we're really gonna be able to do this!! Weeeeeeee! and i have so much energy now afterwords, and its so fun, i cant wait till i get back to school and we can all (momo, me, linds, nikkii, mel and maybe more) do it together, its so fun, and invigorating! Tags: bodywork, friends
Current Mood:  accomplished
What's Playing?: :: poing poing :: Weeeee!
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bouncy
excited
dirty
nervous
indescribable