I've been having a difficult time finding somebody to make the cake for my wedding.
I live in a backwater edge of nowhere town, and none of the 'professional' cake decorators are actually legal. (In NY State you need to have your kitchen inspected, yadda, yadda, and there's a fee etc.) So nobody actually advertises, so it's all word of mouth.

( ok, maybe not so small of a rant, sorry I need to get this off of my chest )

Tags: drama, wedding
Current Mood: aggravated

I'm at my parent's babysitting the dogs while they are away at a party, they will be staying in a hotel afterwards and coming home in the late morning, so I have to watch the boys overnight, and take everybody to the groomer's in the morning.

While I was playing with the bays I found the sweater I had made duchess, they had tried hiding it on top of one of dad's filing cabenets.

It had been severely chewed on, on button completely chewed off, two giant holes in the body. It was a mess!

The way the holes are I can just tell that the left it on the counter or something where the boys could get to it, and they ate it.
I bet duchess never actually got to wear it!

ARG!

I'm so angry, I put so much work into that thing and they just let the boys eat it!

Tags: drama, family, pets
Current Mood: pissed off

About.com is run by volunteers, the woman who used to volunteer for the knitting section for one reason or another could no longer manage the site and stepped down, this is all fine and good, but the woman who took over is apparently a blithering idiot who cares nothing for the thousands of knitters who used the site before her as a valuable resource for patterns and reviews.

When she took over every singe old link began linking to the home page when she drivels on about the most simplest of content. The old site had newbie content too, but it also had tons of stitch patterns, wonderful yarn store reviews you name it, and that is now all gone.

Time and time again, old faithfuls have left comments to her requesting the return of the old content, or at least a comment about where it all went to. But instead they have been met with silence.

After clicking on what must be the 50th link from a blog that used to direct me to a cool sock pattern, or a neat lace stitch and only finding a page of useless crap about i-cords I wrote my own response.

( me? Snarky? )

Perhaps I was a little overly bitchy, but frankly this is getting really annoying to me. And after the old lady stepped down the old content stayed up until this new thing took over, so I'm pretty sure it's not that she had no access to any of it. And maybe, just maybe the old volunteer wanted to old content removed due to copyright or something, or because she is now hosting it somewhere else or is writing a book, but you know, the new chick could at least TELL everybody that, instead of ignoring us.

*sigh

ETA:

Correction, it's not run by volunteers, people actually get paid by hit counts, so I guess she probably doesn't care about old links or weather the content is still up or not, as she's still getting hits going to the front page, and still getting paid, weather she's actually running a usefull site or not.

Tags: drama, knitting
Current Mood: pissed off

My mother and grandmother are planning another coup d'église.

Apparently the Tim-meister is getting pretty bad.
He has resorted to calling my grandmother names in front of the church board of directors.
That is not good.

Mom and grandmother have asked me to come to church in February for the Annual meeting. In which I believe the plan to stage the final plans of their coup.

*sigh.

I don't know if I have the energy for this. I mean, one coup per lifetime should be enough. This is the second!

Bah.

Tags: banal, drama, family, spirituality, stress
Current Mood: cold

:: hugs the mods, and members of the knitting community ::

I'm so glad you guys are not like other fiberarts mods and members.

*cough* crochet *cough*

Tags: crochet, drama, knitting

oleaginous (o-lee-AJ-uh-nuhs) adjective

1. Containing or producing oil; relating to oil.

2. Marked by excessive and false earnestness; ingratiating.

[From Middle English, from French oleagineux, from Latin oleaginus
(of the olive tree), from olea (the olive tree).]

"The memory of the food has long faded, happily, but the creepy, oleaginous
waiter with the thick French accent will always endure."
Jacob Richler; Dumb Name, Fine Food: La Brasserie.ca; National Post
(Canada); Apr 19, 2003.

"But it could have been Max Bialystock, oleaginous impresario wheedling
cash from besotted widows and trying to bilk investors in the hit New
York musical 'The Producers'."
Warren Hoge; A Bialystock Made to Order; The New York Times; Feb 8, 2002.

Tags: drama, linguaphile

Well a couple people have been talking to me and mentioned some things about what they read in my journal, and their concerns about 'my reputation'.

Now a while ago I posted a very important statement about my journal, and I think they might have missed it. So I forgive them. ;)

So I'm going to post it again.
And also put it in my info.
And the post is in my memories too.

so here is that post I'm rambling on about

Also, to a special friend (you know who you are darling.) there is nothing wrong with the female body, it is a beautiful thing and far, FAR from disgusting. And there is nothing wrong with learning about your self (or your girlfriend if you are a guy.) I post about my realizations because I think it is important for other women to feel comfortable about themselves, and seeing how comfortable I am helps, and also some women would never even know these things if it weren't for my posting about them. And if guys happen to read it too, even better! Would you want to have sex with a guy that doesn't even know his way around your most intimate anatomy? How much does a man really love you if he gets grossed out, or made uncomfortable by it?

Ok that's enough of me on my soap box. And like I said in that post above, if anybody really doesn't like reading about something in my journal, its not that hard to just scroll by it, most of the 'bad stuff' is relatively short anyways, and if I post about something that isn't work safe, or really long I put it behind a cut.

Tags: drama, elljay, friends
Current Mood: calm

Bah, I'm kinda depressed right now.

I just tried calling Alfa.

Yeah, I haven't talked about him much lately, it's because I still don't know what's going on and I don't think he does either, and has been avoiding the issue. I've been really busy last couple of days, with the trip to Oswego and having to run a lot of errands around town, I haven't been home around the times when I can call him at work (his phone service doesn't like my phone card)

So I called him today. He couldn't talk much, and I could tell why from the way he was talking and being vague. Maria was there.

*sigh

It's been a month since all this shit happened (no I haven't been counting the days, but I was menstruating when I found out, and I'm menstruating again. One month.)

All of this not knowing has really been getting to me.
I mean, I feel really strongly about Alfa, ever since I was able to go to Corning and actually be with him. And now all this, I worry about him so much, because when I do get the chance to talk to him he sounds very unhappy with her. At least that's what he tells me. He never gets a moment of peace, she's always around, and gets angry and jealous if he even talks to another girl. And if she knew he were still talking to me... whoooo boy!

*sigh

if he doesn't want to be with me I can understand but I don't want him to be with somebody who makes him miserable like that.

bah.
I'm really depressed.
I just worry so much.
*sigh

Tags: drama, young love
Current Mood: depressed

I've been really antsy lately, I went for a walk earlier tonight and it helped some. I think its because of all the crap that's been going on lately.

Going back to school, but not Oswego, missing all my friends, the whole pile of stuff w/ Alfa, and of course Aunt Flow.

Bah.

I talked to Alfa earlier tonight; Lindsay made a surprise visit and talked to him again, thanks Linds. I think she scared him. I explained to him what the other woman, Maria had done and how it made me feel. It seems that she's beginning to get on his nerves too, I really home he can work things out and make a decision and follow through. I would hope that he would be with me, but if for some reason he decides I'm not right for him (Gods forbid!) I hope he kicks her to the curb too, I really think that she could hurt him badly, and I don't want him hurt like that.

I went and bought my books for school today, that was interesting, quite a large line, took me an hour to get through and get everything. I only have 5 books but two (the wine appreciation, and intro to cooking) are Huge. And the marketing book looks daunting, I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, but I'm thinking that I may have difficulties with that class.

Dave stopped by today, that was nice; I miss hanging out with him and just generally chilling. But he's a working man now so he's always busy. Although he did buy me a new book, source book for Changeling: The Dreaming, about the Kingdom of Willows. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun reading through it.

I really need to visit all my Oswegonian friends during the year. I'm really going to miss everybody, and Oswego was pretty cool, despite the suckey college. I miss walking around campus. Definitely going to be spending a few weekends visiting.

Well its late, and I'm hot and sleepy.
Night all.

Tags: drama, friends, skool
Current Mood: sleepy
What's Playing?: Sinead O'Conner - Nothing Compares 2 U

I'm done with registration at JCC, all I need to do now is buy my books on the 15, and then classes begin on the 25th.

This got me thinking about the passage of time.
Two years ago I graduated form JCC with a Math/Science A.S.
Two years before that I was going through the same things I just finished, registration, financial aid etc. But that time it was all in a haze, my parents did everything for me, this time I had to do it all myself.

It's been 4 years since I first joined the Science Fiction and Fantasy Fan Club (the sci-fi club) at JCC and met my first group of real friends (outside of Becki and Monica) and then integrated into the Dionysians who pulled me out of my 'innocent' shell.

It's been 3 1/2 years since I met Dave, and fell in love, not just with him, but with Role Playing and White Wolf.
It's been a little over 2 years since I first had sex and subsequently became an addict. (It's true, sex is like air, you don't realize how much you need it till you don't get any ;)

2 years ago I graduated from JCC, and spent a summer very much like this one, running around registering and applying for loans (once again, mostly through my parents) but this time for Oswego. I remember the first time I went to Oswego, Dave took me up during the summer to meet Charles and Tracy, and I ate for the first time at Lakeside Dining hall (boy was THAT an experience)

2 years ago I went to Oswego scared and lonely, not knowing what it was going to be like to, for the most part, live on my own in a dorm room, no parents to hold my hand and do everything for me or be there at night when I get lonely. I cried many a lonely night alone and scared, I begged Dave to spend the night with me, but he refused, I'm glad now, if he hadn't I may have never realized how free and wonderful it is to be alone and not hove to depend on people all the time.

It was a little under 2 years ago when I met Nikkii, and learned to live with her, and became best friends. Nikkii was my first friend not from home, she was beautiful, free, more independent (to me) than I though I ever could be. The wonderful times we had in the tiny little dorm room or terrorizing the people n the dinning hall or at late night, the classes we had together, and the fun.

Less than 2 years ago I Joined the Story Tellers Guild (STG) and learned that there is more out there than D&D and Vampire. I met even more new friends and came a little more out of my quickly diminishing shell.

A little over 1 year ago Dave called me on the phone, I had been worried, because he always called me, but hadn't in a while. I found out why, Dave broke up with me while I was home and he was taking a summer internship and class at Oswego. I cried for weeks, I would just randomly burst into tears. I was broken; I never thought I would recover. I thought I was independent free my own person (and I was to an extent) but I was still attached, I needed Dave I needed a boyfriend to hold onto, I needed somebody there to support me, to be there when I was lonely.
Monica's BF Aaron was living in Oswego too so we would drive down a lot so she could be with him and so I could try to work things out with Dave, we still stayed separate, but things were a little better and we would always be friends and love each other, there's no way you can break a love like we had.

A little over a year ago I met Sean online, I was broken after Dave's breakup, and he was a shoulder to cry on, and he seemed to understand and we had a lot in common. I began driving up to Ogdensburg to be with him, but he never wanted anything serious, it was always just fooling around and hanging out.

A little over 1 year ago I had sex with only the second person ever in my life I thought it was serious, it wasn't.

1 year ago Nikkii came up to visit Monica and me, we had a great time, and I introduced her to Sean over the phone. They fell in love. I was Glad.

(Oh yeah, also a little over a year ago I was wham bam thank you ma'am pity fucked by Snarf, who was also madly 'soul mated' to Nikkii at the time, but I didn't know this 'till afterwards)

Less than a year ago Nikii broke up with Tom and Nikkii, Sean, and I were together until Tom got mad and began spreading rumors. In order to save them, because I loved Nikkii so much, I left and it was just them. I was happy, yet sad. After much talking Dave and I decided to try being together again. All was good.

Dave and I didn't work out the way we planned; he ended up dating and then breaking up after a few weeks with a freshman, as did I. (4th man ever for me to sleep with, I am not proud (nor was it very good))
Despite our many relationship troubles Dave and I are still great friends, there's no way I can not love him, but we can never have a good relationship, it is just not meant to be.

I did not do well academically that semester.

About 5 months ago I got tired of always having Sean in our room, as well as being jealous of his possession of Nikkii. Because of my feelings and inability to hide my opinions the shit hit the fan, there was a big blow out between Nikkii and I and she moved out. We do not speak anymore.

Around that same time Lindsay and Brandon and I became much closer and we realized that we were a triad in the craft. We went through a lot of adventured in our learning together, and we are great friends. Also I slowly began working my way to becoming a vegetarian.

This was also when Alfa first IM-ed me and we began talking sporatically.

3 months ago school ended and this summer began. My mom began really pushing the fact that I should get surgery to remove my rolls of fat. The doctors along with my mother's persuasion made my mind and I decided to get the surgery.

About two months ago I decided that since the surgery would put me out of commission for a while and since I was unhappy with my academic experienced at Oswego I would attend JCC for a while.

A month ago, while looking into all the JCC stuff I made the decision that I need money, and a job would be a convenient way to get it. And JCC has programs where you get a degree with a job as soon as you graduate, and since a lot of people gave the culinary dept glowing reviews I decided a chef is the job for me especially since there aren't very many vegetarian specialty chefs out there.

A few weeks ago I went to corning with Brandon to visit Lindsay, and also to meet Alfa face to face. It was wonderful time, I love hanging out with Lindsay and Brandon, and there is a lot of promise between Alfa and I.

For about 3-4 weeks I have been running around and filling out financial aid forms and making appointments and getting admission information, Very much like I was 4 years ago and 2 years after that, but this time all on my own.

A lot has changed in four years. In just 2 years even. Its weird how things change as time passes.

Tags: drama, family, friends, introspection, memories, skool, young love
Current Mood: contemplative

I went to my cousin's wedding today.

Blah.

I hate weddings, it wasn't anything spectacular, the usual wedding stuff, reception downstairs, good food, took forever for the bride and groom to get downstairs, EVERYODY had to take their picture. Sheesh.

Then my mom, who had absolutely nothing to do with the planning or coordination of the reception, somehow got herself stuck helping out in the kitchen almost the whole time, and at one point made me dry dishes, until I realized I had almost missed the father and bride dance.

That would have sucked since mom and dad had asked me to take all sorts of pictures so they could put together a special album for them because they really didn't have a professional photographer there.

The pastor didn't even say hello to my father, mother or I, it's kind of funny, someday I'll type up the story of how my mother staged a intra church coup.

So yeah, its frikking hot out, I hardly got any sleep last night because of the heat, so I think I'm going to go chill in my mom's room (yay AC!) and watch come TV.

Talk to y'all later.
:)

Tags: drama, family, weather
Current Mood: tired

Grrr, I hate self righteous, holier than thou ass holes.

:: kicks friends list, especially communities ::

bah!

Force your ideals in me will ya!
:: pulls out laser cannon ::

Tags: drama, rant
Current Mood: aggravated

Let's recap shall we?

I was contacted by a friend the other day, they wanted to rekindle something that had gone on before, but he screwed up, and hurt a lot of people, and now he's suffering. Sadly, talking with him got me thinking about how different life is now that I'm not dating somebody, and I realize how long it has been. Then the realization hits me, almost all my other friends have sig. others. But me.
There has been this guy that I met online, we've been talking for a while, and he lives near by so we can visit each other, and things looked like they would become serious. Then his ex form over 8yars ago calls him with some very bad news and then a little later tells him she still wants to be with him. As of now they're testing the waters. There goes that.

Ah well.

Apparently my thoughts have traversed a distance, and a friend from Idaho showed up today. "You felt like you needed somebody to be here with you, you needed to be touched" a lot of weird new but old hidden feelings swelled to the surface, we spent a long time talking. He's going back on the road tomorrow, wont be back this way for a while.

All these things kept me for my life support system (the computer) almost all day. So I come back to be deluged by tons of posts and chats from people and friends. I finally sludge through everything, (people trying to start shit and all) and now I have the time to relax for a bit and chill.

Tags: drama, friends, introspection, young love
Current Mood: mellow

Fuck you world, you get me all used to this routine and friends and company and room and environment then rip it all way from me violently.
Fuck you parents for being so different, for only seeing me as I was, not as I am.
Fuck you home for not growing up with me, for degenerating if anything.
Fuck you friends who are there for you always then wave good bye as I’m dragged away.
Fuck you school for teasing me with thoughtful conversations then tainting it with the foul entity of exams.
Fuck you love for giving me a taste of paradise and then ripping it away and leaving me there raw and bitter in my own blood and puss.
Fuck the world, fuck the government, fuck you, and fuck me.
Thousands of dollars to be analy raped by the system
Loving me gently with your dreams, ripping out my heart and leaving it bleeding, there, on the sandy earth.
Shitting on me with your society and do’s and don’ts
The plate ran way with the spoon, eh?
Well fuck ‘em both.
Fuck you world.
Fuck you.

Tags: banal, bookworm, drama, rant
Current Mood: depressed

respons to a post to somebody who removed all their friends, and then made posts friends only reply.

"and then end the blasted conversation before you can tell them what was ment and point out why they were wrong."

no wonder they left, most people don't like sitting around and being criticised non stop.
(this is to both, so don't get all defensive)

Tags: drama
Current Mood: annoyed

*sigh
It's like the same things all over again.
Might as well compare the two, since one of the perpetrators decided to throw my shortcomings in the last one in my face and compare my actions now to someone else's actions then. Too bad they're the one acting like BOTH of them did then.

Bah.
I f-ing hate soap operas.

Tags: drama
Current Mood: aggravated

In The End

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Tags: drama, happyears
What's Playing?: Linkin Park - In The End

for those wonder what the hell is going on...
go here
*sigh

Tags: drama
Current Mood: drained
What's Playing?: Bruce Springsteen - Streets of philadelphia

You know, when I was younger I used to profess all the time “I wish I lived in the sixties.” I was a fool then. We are reliving the sixties right now, the world has gone mad once again, but this time, I get the feeling that people are a little too apathetic to make a difference, and if they aren’t, our leaders are too stupid and greedy to give a damn.

I never felt quite o close to my dad before. He lived through the sixties, as did my mom. Whenever my dad talked about the war I though he was over exaggerating, you know, like dads do. Now I find that he was way under exaggerating, hoping that I would never have to put up with something like that in my lifetime. Maybe I should have listened more, maybe I should not have idealized the political times, maybe if I had, I would know mare, and be able to do more to make a difference.

I can’t watch the news anymore, I physically get sick, and I get so depressed I have ‘irrational’ urges to cry or hurt. To beat our leaders over the head with I giant “clue-by-four” to beat in their head what they are doing is wrong make them feel the pain that everybody else is feeling right now.

*sigh

Tags: banal, drama
Current Mood: depressed
What's Playing?: Pink Floyd - on the turning away

sooo...
ummm... yeah

i gues i should appologize to everybody who saw the "fuck you" post.
i wasnt in a very good mood today...(as if that wasnt painfully obvious.)
it wasnt directed at anybod in particular, just the suckey world in general.

soo...yeah
blah.

Tags: drama, friends
Current Mood: crappy
What's Playing?: Mulholland Drive on TV

fuck you world, fuck you all to hell.
i hate gettign sick, i hate having to miss important classes becaus the room won't stop spinning, i hate the fact that love likes to spit in my face, i hate work bing such ass holes, i hate being unable to understand something, that seems to be so obviously apparent to everyody elce, i hate evertying.
fuck all of you, you can all go screw yourselve for all i care.
im not puting up wiht it any more.
once again
FUCK YOU!

Tags: drama, rant
Current Mood: cranky

Yeah, been a wile since I posted.

So yeah, I’m making little mini dramas over here on my side, I’m sure you all don’t want to know, so I won’t talk about it unless you actually come up to me and ask..

On the cool side, there was a cool little mage game with will, Dave, Justin, and Brandon. It was fun; I got to play Layla again. Weee!

Then Brandon and I rented Nightmare on Elm Street from the front desk, that was such a cool movie, Nikkii freaked out, much fun-ness. I love watching all those horror movies old school stuff and old old 50’s ‘B’ movies too. Brandon may be brining a bunch over sometime for a marathon, w007!

Tags: drama, friends, rp, tv
Current Mood: giddy

If you are going to do something illegal in my room while I am not there,
Please have the courtesy to not do it on my side and then just leave your traces lying around.
I really don’t feel like getting in trouble for your stupid shit.

Thank you

Tags: drama
Current Mood: pissed off
What's Playing?: Joan Osborne - Man In The Long Black Coat

Apparently my parents think I'm stupid.

Today before dinner, just before everybody arrived I found out that my cat, Josephine, had been put to sleep over a month ago.
They didn't want to tell me while I was in school, because they wanted me to not be sad at school. And they weren't going to tell me when I came home, 'cus they didn't want to ruin my vacation. Like I wouldn't notice that she was missing!

*sigh

Conversely, I may be stupid, but I'm the only person with any technical skills in the house. I come home, and I'm hooking up a new VCR that dad went out to get, specifically because I was home and could hook it up right then for him, so he could watch his porn of course.
Then I have to set up the TV in the computer room, so they can watch TV while they play solitaire. I hardly ever watch TV when I'm on the computer... music is much better. (I've been listening to "Llorando" over and over since last night.)


Not to sound winy, there were some really nice things about today, the actuall thanksgiving meal was wonderful; mom actually mad vegetables that I would eat (steamed fresh green beans... yum!) And Tasha and I had a nice conversation about school and making fun of 'terrorist' threats (apparently, people have been blaming a rash of bad food on terrorists... because that's the best thing they can do after 9/11, giving people diarrhea on there cruise vacation.)
That and I wore rainbow toe socks, with my jean skirt, and black top. Everyone said I looked nice, and mom said I looked like I was loosing weight!

Tags: drama, family, food, holidays, pets
Current Mood: drained
What's Playing?: Mulholland Drive Soundtrack - Rebekah Del Rio - Llorando

You know, I'm really starting to get sick of all the BS still going around form some old issues.
I wish some people could just let it be and leave us alone, they keep telling us to leave them alone, but then come right back and bitch at us again.
Hurting my friend's feelings is inexcusable, especially, when you don't even know them, and they did nothing to you.

Damnit, I was in a good mood till this started again.

Tags: drama
Current Mood: pissed off
What's Playing?: Trigun Opening Theme

Dave and I broke up Sunday, finally, for good. a lot of shit had been going on, most of which you all prolly don't want to know/don't care about, so I wont go into it in too much detail unless you ask.

Let's just say we tried being non exclusive in hopes of saving the relationship (yeah stupid, I know.) and it ended up pulling us apart.
Ken and I are now dating (don't hurt me mo-mo... I couldn't wait.) And things are going good.
Dave and I are going to try and stay good friends. But he's having issues, which is understandable, and I kind of feel bad for him, but there's not much I can do.

So yeah, you all have the low down now. feel free to gossip amongst yourselves.

Tags: drama, young love
Current Mood: blah
What's Playing?: Soul Coughing - Blueeyed Devil

Ok, I'll say it again to everybody.

I'M SORRY

*sigh

I so did not mean to cause everybody to worry so much. If I had known that the message had not gone through I would have called again, or tired somebody else.
I was not laying dead somewhere in the dome, nor was I raped and tossed into a ditch. I'm sorry I made you all worry so much.
Let the guilt trip commence, I deserve it. I'm sorry.

Tags: drama
Current Mood: melancholy
What's Playing?: Linkin Park - My December

Man I hate how my mom can make me feel like shit sometimes.

My parents had called last week and said that when my contacts came in they would bring them up this Saturday and we'd hang out together. They didn't call me all week to say my contacts were in, so I figured they wouldn't be coming down. Well tonight I get a call from my mom, I was right my contacts weren't in. but they were going to come down anyways. I'm like, I already made plans for Saturday, a friend and I are going to Syracuse. And my mom gets all sad and martyr like. Like I was supposed to assume that there were still going to come down if my contacts weren't in, even though they didn't call me to tell me this until tonight, the night before they were going to come down.

So in an effort to appease her I told them that I wasn't going to do anything Sunday and we could hang out then. I really do miss my parents, but I wish I could have a little more than one night's notice, sometimes I like to make plans too. But despite my efforts my mom was still obviously was very put-out, and made it very well known, even though she didn't say anything. So I hang up feeling very shitty.

blah.

Tags: drama, family
Current Mood: depressed

one hell of a weekend indeed.

Well its official, Thomas has a big fucking mouth.

After a very nice yelling at from Nikkii, he seems to have gotten the point.
But I still don't trust him, it was very ass-hole-ish of him to do what he did, even if he did need to 'vent' he didn't need to do it to everybody we knew, people are really getting sick of his shit, and I may not have ever liked him, but I never really hated him. Now I hate him, and it's going to take a long time for any tolerance I may have for him to return.

Tags: drama, friends, young love
Current Mood: annoyed
What's Playing?: Rush - Tom Sawyer

this, that,
up, down,
all around people.

f**k-ing A.
Everything is up and down
My mind is racing a million miles a minute, skipping seemingly at random from thought to thought.
Mixed up, muddled up, and screwed around emotions.
Euphoria, hurt, nervousness, jealousy, anxiousness, bitterness, anger, worry, anticipation, bitchyness, hope, love, hate.

Yeah all of 'em.
Not all at the same things, gods no, but skipping around between only a few.
This, that, them, him, them, it, behind, ahead, now.

ARG

I know, I know, I'm screwed up in the head.
Just need to get this all out. 'Else I think I may explode.
Disturbingly enough, talking in circles to myself is helping. yay!

Now without further ado, I am off to bed to dream in anticipation of Saturday.

Is it Saturday yet? I want to go back to school! (Oh wow, when I was a kid I never, in a thousand years, would have thought that I would be uttering those words. Fact is I miss my friends way too much here at home with nobody around but my parents and no job)

Tags: drama, friends, random, stress, young love
What's Playing?: ATC - Around The World (La La La La), Godsmack - Voodoo, Blackmoor's Night - Fires at Midnight

When you talk to a really good friend on the phone for hours on end, and you can really connect with this person, and have so much in common. Wouldn't you expect to feel happy, full even when you hang up?

Then why is it that I feel so damned depressed?

Maybe because I know there's something going on that he doesn't want to talk about, and it's really bothering him. (He doesn't read this very often, but if you are reading, you know you can always talk about anything w/ me, I'm here for you, you know I hate it when your hurting)

Or maybe it's because I really do like him, but then there's Dave, and I don't know what's happening there. And half the time I talk to my friend I end up thinking about Dave and how I really like him too. (Dave told me that he likes somebody today, and I encouraged him to ask her out if he wanted, if were not meant to be together right now I don't want to hold him back. That's good right? I'm not supposed to feel insanely jealous am I?)

Damn, to top it all off tonight, I get online and read the journal entry of twilightwolf, and he's yelling at me about something I would never do in the first place. I want him and her to be happy, and if that means taking their time then they should. Do what our friend said, follow your heart, not your fear. Give her time, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

No new news on Dad yet. Apparently doctors are physically unable to work on Sundays, so he's stuck in the hospital for a few more days until they can get more tests done and figure out what's going on.

You know sometimes I really hate my life, or maybe its just myself and my stupid emotions and indecision and incompetence.

Yeah, Andy tried to cheer me up, sent me this cute little link http://www.b3ta.com/i-love-you/ it is cute, and it did almost make me smile. And maybe it'll make somebody else happy. I'm just too icky tonight.

I won't be getting much sleep tonight, to tense stressed and depressed. Guess ill just stay up and stare at the ceiling, or maybe read a little Lovecraft. Gothic Horror, how fitting.

Yeah, sorry to everybody for the long depressing piece of crap that is my LJ entry. I'll try to be more happy and shiny next time.

Tags: drama, family, friends, stress, young love
Current Mood: depressed
What's Playing?: Godsmack - Voodoo, Dire Straits - Walk Of Life, Styx - come sail away